By Arsh Azim
In this modern world, we have cell phones, computers, air conditioners, refrigerators etc., to make life as comfortable as possible. However, scientists, while making us comfortable, didn’t realise that all these things run on electricity which is becoming extinct, so as a being possessed with love for humanity, I feel it is my duty to give out some precious advice to my fellow beings on how to ward off heat.
Everyday lay down in a tub full of water for about a couple of minutes at first and then eventually for hours each day. It might help in the evolution of human species and you might sprout out gills and fins. It may help your successors, if not you, in living underwater where you won’t need electricity. But if the government imposes hydrogen and
oxygen tax upon water, then we will have to think about something else.
If the electricity breaches the custom and makes an appearance, don’t wait — run and grab a plastic bag and collect the gale of paradise emitting from the fan for soon the electricity will become aware of its mistake. Close the mouth of the bag tightly, guarding the wind more closely than your most precious cellphone.
You can collect bags full of precious wind. Prick it with a needle and enjoy the light breeze when the electricity goes off again.
Come on folks, give your brain some exercise and dig out your aesthetic sense and make your imagination run wild. If the heat of the hot day drives you crazy, don’t let it get to you. Imagine yourself standing in a field covered by snow, with a snowman in the background and the soft snow is falling on your face and body. Ooh I am shivering, seriously!
Swinging is not just for monkeys and children, adults can also try it, and I am not talking about swinging from tree branches here. Everyone should have an indoor or outdoor swing in the house and when there is no electricity and the breeze is also blowing only in Antarctica, you can swing around and make some breeze for yourself.
Use your textbooks:
None of us read our textbooks but we are compelled to buy them. But thanks to regular electricity load-shedding we can finally put them to good use now.
Apart from using it as samosa plates, we can also use it as hand fans. And if the book is thick, then don’t worry, just pluck out a few pages and start fanning yourself with them. Maybe a few words might leave the pages and flow into your nose and will be gone with the wind into your brains.
Tolerance is the best policy:
If all these tips seem farfetched to you, then please tolerate the blistering, scorching heat of summer. But I have yet another advice to give here. Just think about the benefits of heat. You don’t have to pay for sauna treatments, the heat is enough for that. You will have to rush to take showers and hence you won’t smell, and will stay clean, happy, healthy and fresh.
However, you might never get a chance to dry up properly because you might start sweating again.
Forget modernization, Stone Age rocks:
On the serious note, what has modernization given us? Loads of taxes? Load-shedding or heavy bills even in the absence of electricity and gas?
It is time we left our homes and head towards the mountains to find a cave for ourselves as soon as possible because once others get the same idea, there won’t be any left! Okay, the battery of my laptop is almost gone and it is time I rush to purchase a luxury cave for myself.